Watch You Breathe
by Zarla
Summary: Vincent, lonely and tormented as usual, acts on some of his feelings and uncovers stuff about Cid in the process he never knew. Cid x Vincent shounen-ai, part 4 up.
1. Perspective - Vincent

Watch You Breathe

  
(By "Wow, what a weird title!" Zar)  
(Note: I am not responsible for any mental damage caused by reading this fic.) 

Holding his thin arms, feeling slightly raised skin underneath his fingertips....at least...his flesh ones...

Vincent sat on the edge of his bed, trying to keep his body in the moonlight that was falling through the window. It was something simple he had attached safety and security too. If he could stay in the white light, perhaps the demon in his soul would rest and fall silent...

They had remained mostly silent, only mumbling and talking amongst themselves. This worried him, and he feared they would assault him while he was asleep, to take his shape and make him rampage, perhaps hurting those that he cared about...

He had taken off his shirt, although he hated it, because he wanted to shiver, to feel his body react in such a human way. To feel his skin prickle, reminding him that it still had that function, despite how the lower part of his left arm might as well have not existed.

He was sitting in a ball, his limbs crossed over his legs and grasping his upper arms. He was staring fixedly at the bedspread, trying not to give into the terror that darkness so freely bestowed upon him.

It was easy to say that he liked the darkness, because he had spent so much time there. That didn't mean he liked it. He was asleep for so long, he hardly remembered much of the time in the darkness. Chaos liked the dark, and the more dark there was, the stronger he got. He was frightened of the dark now that Chaos had been allowed to control his body, and he hated it.

He felt a wind brush against his thin spine, and he knew the scars that extended all over his shoulders also trailed down his back. Hojo's work, he knew it. He didn't remember much of the actual experimentation or the things that had been done to his body. He remembered being tested, and other horrors to prove that the extenstions were a success...

The very thought filled him with terror, thinking of the horrible spiraling stairs, and the table where so much blood had been spilled...

His body shook, but not because of the cold. He closed his eyes and buried his head in his arms, feeling his hair slid off of his back until it framed his face. The fear was so strong, the hatred and sorrow he felt for his own mistake was destroying him inwardly, and he knew he could not live like this much longer, not without a clear purpose, not this alone...or rather...not alone with the four who lived in his mind...

Why had he been cursed this way...?

Despite everything, all the things he had killed, from birds to Sephiroth and even Hojo himself, it only made him feel more empty and hate himself even more. What did it all mean? It only made the blood on his claws thicker and hard to get off.

He heard a small metallic squeak as he twitched one of the fingers on the claw. It hurt.

A sudden noise in the room brought him about sharply, his breath coming in sharply and his claw gripping his other arm so tightly that it drew blood. Looking across, he found in the companion bed across the room that his roommate had turned over restlessly, one arm extended above his head and the other crossed across his stomach. His small size made the bed seem so large.

Vincent looked at himself and cursed himself for his own jitteryness. The cold was getting to be too much, and he finally moved out of the moonlight and replaced his dark black shirt. What right did he have to be in the moonlight anyway? What right did he have to be in any light at all...

He returned to his bed, leaning his head against the backboard, staring at the ceiling sadly. There was a noise from his companion as he turned his head the other, away from Vincent.

Curious, Vincent turned to watch him. The sudden movement seemed to be the last one, as he began to sleep rather soundly.

Vincent admired him for that. To be able to sleep without nightmares...to not BE a nightmare...

Loneliness made his heart ache.

He had slept alone for so long, he had been alone in the dark for so long, and now...

He dug his own claws into his arms to bring his thoughts away from the path. No. No. That was not an option. Not an option.

Vincent turned his scarlet eyes back to Cid, who was still sleeping almost motionlessly, his chest moving up and down in an even rhythm. Vincent watched him breathe for a while, finding it relaxing on some level. His claws released their grip and he felt something warm come down his arm.

Cursing his own stupidity for hurting himself in such a way for such thoughts, he walked towards the one bathroom the hotel room had and held his arm underneath the sink, watching the red tint overflow the water, then slowly fade away. It saddened him.

What right did he even have to be here...? He had a grudge to settle with Hojo...but he had done that, hadn't he? Why was he here? Did Cloud and the others need him? They couldn't...he had no use, he was just a monster...

Why did he even continue to live...?

He walked back into the room and found himself stopping, his toes gripping the carpet suddenly. He stared inbetween his own empty, rumpled bed and Cid's, both an equal distance away.

I can't...I can't...

Did he say that outloud?

The loneliness is tearing me apart inside...

His own mind had almost become a personality. That's what the demons said. Vincent Valentine was just another personality inhabiting the body, and they refused to believe it belonged to him originally...they had continued to mumble, hopefully ignoring him. He was sure that they would not agree...

Who said he had agreed anyway?

He eventually sank down on the floor, holding his head in his hands. The loneliness tore at him. He didn't want to sleep alone. If he could only feel someone breathing near him, someone's body warmth adding to his, just the knowledge that someone was there that cared about him...just some one, anyone...he...

He didn't want to be alone anymore...not in the dark...not when everything became so horrible...

He slowly stood, leaning on the desk in front of him, and stared at Cid. He was still sleeping soundly, seemingly without movement except for his breathing. Vincent realized after a few short moments that he had been walking towards the bed unconsciously and now stood above the pilot, staring down at him.

He could curl at the edge of the bed, that would be okay, wouldn't it? Surely Cid wouldn't be mad at him for that...if he got kicked in the night, that was okay...as long as someone was there to kick him, he didn't care...

"Weak..." Chaos remarked offhand, but he still wasn't paying attention. The argument the demons were getting into was apparently quite involved. Even this kind of emotional duress wasn't getting their attention. Thankfully.

Vincent moved to the foot of the bed and crawled onto the end, noting how Highwind's toes didn't even reach the end. He was full streched out and yet, the bed still dwarfed him. It was hard to remember how tall he was at times, since he seemed so strong and sure.

Vincent felt huge compared to him. Huge and monstrous.

Guilt overwhelmed him and he closed his eyes in anguish, trying to ignore the shaking that overcame his limbs.

When he opened them again, he found Cid's face underneath him.

Starting slightly, he realized that he had continued crawling while his eyes were closed, and now he was over Cid, his black hair falling softly on the pilot's face. Cid's eyes were closed and he looked so calm and so silent when he was asleep...so different then he was awake...

Thoughts fluttered through his head unfinished and unbidden...

Would you hold me, Highwind? Would you end my loneliness...? Would you, or is that too much to ask of you...ask of anyone...so lonely...so afraid and so small...so small and so frightened and so alone...could I wake you now and not have you recoil in horror...would you hold me...I would never ask for anything more...just the ending of this horrible, aching loneliness...

Guilt was racking his body. He saw his shivering hand near Cid's face, fingertips only an inch away from touching him, waking him, as his mind was so desperate for some company, for anything, even if it was just the pilot shouting at him to go away. Any recognition would mean he wasn't alone.

Cid took a deep breath and sighed, and Vincent retracted his hand sharply.

It would be so easy and....so wrong...

Vincent could see his claw arm, only inches away from Cid, and knew that there was no way that anyone could ever hold him if that was there. Who would hold cold metal...? Cold...stained metal...

Cid breathed underneath him, and Vincent's heart panged with guilt and loneliness. He moved off him silently and crushed himself against the wall, wishing that he didn't exist if he had to do such shameful things from loneliness. How could he live this way...being such a horrible person as to try and take advantage of one of his only friends while he was sleeping!

He felt a sob rising in his throat but forced tears away from years of practice. He turned his back to Cid, wishing he could disappear into the wall, to vanish, to take his tortured, scarred body and his demons and his evil thoughts away forever...

How could he ever atone for this...?

He could feel Cid shifting and he froze, unable to move. He closed his eyes and prepared himself to hear his rough, angry voice, asking him what he was doing here. He was prepared for the hatred and the glares, prepared to slink off to his own bed like a small animal that had done something wrong, because that's what he was, an animal, a demon, nothing more...

He closed his eyes and waited, trying to brace his body.

Cid wasn't waking up. He was turning.

Cid shifted his weight easily and with a small sleepy noise, threw his arm over to where Vincent was pressed against the wall.

Vincent was paralyzed with fear. Now everything would be known, now Cid would wake, now everything would be over and one of his only friends would hate him, hate him for being so lonely and desperate for company...desperate for any kind of care.

Cid automatically pulled his arm inwards once he grasped something, and Vincent was dragged half against his will away from the wall, instead next to Cid's chest.

His eyes were tearing and he closed them in hatred, struggling not to say anything. How could he let this continue? How could he let Cid continue with this without telling him he was holding a monster? He couldn't let him do this, he had to wake him and tell him...

But he couldn't, he couldn't. The loneliness was gone, it was gone, the aching hurt in his chest was gone and his body was so relieved it would not let him speak, it would not let the pain come back, not when it was gone.

His body and his mind fought against eachother, against comfort or guilt, and Cid slept on, oblivious to how much turmoil he was causing the dark man.

He couldn't do this...but it felt...no, he couldn't...but how could he give this up...he couldn't just make the pain come back...he couldn't live with that pain anymore...

Cid sighed. Vincent felt a tear fall from one of his eyes at the sensation of someone's hand around his chest, something he had almost never felt in his entire life. He couldn't help but cry, silently, but he wasn't sure why. He wanted to believe it was because he was so torn, so sad, but he could not say that for sure...he could not say that because inside he knew he was relieved and happy, but he could not cry for that...he shouldn't cry for that...

Vincent eventually cried himself to sleep, almost without a sound, and Cid slept, without any knowledge of what was happening.

~~~

He had slept alone for so long, sleeping with someone's arm around him made his rest fitful and worried. Dark dreams tormented his mind, with one recurring factor...

Demonic wings, glowing red eyes, think clawed hands and feet, and blood smeared across his lips...his own lips...

Himself, haunting him...and he knew who the blood belonged to.

The guilt was tearing him apart inside. As if loneliness had to have a replacement once it was removed, as if he could never truly have peace, not with the demons that constantly tormented his thoughts, even in dreams.

That can't be me, this can't be right...

The conflicting emotions and illogic of the situation only made his dreams even worse. The more he remained where he was, with an oblivious arm around him as he slept, the larger the demon version of himself grew. The look in it's eyes was confusing, part hatred, part guilt, part sympathy, part sadness...so many conflicting emotions in the scarlet eyes that matched his own.

The demon fluttered around his mind, speaking softly with Chaos' voice, telling Vincent constantly of how what he was doing was wrong, so wrong...and he knew it, but couldn't bring himself to do anything about it...it felt...

It felt so good...so good to have the loneliness gone, even if it was replaced by this horrible demon.

If the loneliness was gone forever, he would willingly live with such a demon, as long as the aching within his soul stopped.  
The fitful dreams. He knew he had to be twitching in his sleep, had to be making small whimpering noises, because he knew that much...he could feel it in some part of his mind...he knew because the demons knew, and they weren't asleep...

How had he managed to avoid waking Cid? How had he managed to keep himself a secret? And how would he react...what would he do when Cid found out what he had tried to do...?

His blood-red eyes opened slowly, and he could see Cid's soft hands in front of them, the pilot's arm still slung around his body. He felt as if he was closer to Cid then he was when he had originally fell asleep, though it was hard to tell. Now conscious, he could feel Cid's heartbeat against his back and feel his body-heat, and his slow breathing. He was asleep. He had to be asleep.

How could he be doing this? He shouldn't be doing this, he never ever should be doing this...he never ever should be allowed to be this fulfilled...he should never stop living alone...

He didn't deserve this...he didn't deserve anything.

His muscles clenched involuntarily and he could feel himself curling up into a ball, wishing that he could simple disappear with the memory of this happy moment untainted in his memory. He could feel his arms tensing and unconsciously bringing Cid's arm tighter against his chest and that caused a fresh wave of guilt to wash over him. He tried to force himself to let go, but trying to take that kind of action only caused him to cling tighter.

Don't wake up...don't wake up...

Vincent pleaded silently, closing his eyes as more tears fell. He couldn't let this happen and he was, he had learned nothing from what had happened, he hadn't changed, he was just the same monster that had let Lucrecia suffer, he had learned nothing. Nothing...

Nothing had changed, just as he had feared. Nothing had ever changed, even with the death of the person who he had assumed had caused all this pain. He had no one to blame for this but himself, and he was a fool to think that killing Hojo would solve his problems. Killing had solved nothing and had only worsened the ache in his soul.

He didn't deserve this...he had never deserved this...

Please don't wake up...

He tried to keep the metallic claw away from Cid by putting it underneath his body, pinning it so it couldn't move. His other hand, free from such restrictions, trembling touched the center of Cid's palm, as if testing new territory. Vincent cursed himself over and over, called himself every name he could think, tried as hard as possible to stop himself from doing this, and in the end his hand still reached forward, shaking as it was, and grasped Cid's, hoping for something that Vincent could never ever hope to have. Acceptance.

Cid mumbled something in his sleep that was unintelligible and Vincent was sure that this would be the end, this would be it. His attempt to take his hand had finally ruined everything, and now everything would be torn apart and he would be alone...alone...

The pilot mumbled for only a few moments, but his fingers responded to Vincent's, and intertwined with them, almost like an instinctual reaction. Vincent shivered with disgust at his own weakness and with disbelief, and Cid only pulled him closer, returning back to the world of dreams with almost no disturbance.

Tell me this isn't happening...tell me this is wrong...tell me he'll wake up...but please...don't let him wake up...

Vincent shook and tried to stop himself from crying, but his self-hatred refused to lessen, even with Cid taking his hand in sleep. He was taking advantage of him, Cid was asleep...how could he be doing this? How could he be letting himself do this? There would be no way to make up for this sin, there was no way he could ever make up for this. This would forever remain on his soul as his darkest day, taking advantage of one of his own friends like this...

How could he even bear to live, being this kind of hideous monster...?

He could feel Cid's blood rushing in and out of his fingertips which seemed so warm compared to his own icy hands. He wanted to withdraw, he wanted to take his hand out, to stop pretending that someone could ever possible want him, could ever possibly...

Possibly love him...

No, he did not just think that.

Oh god, he deserved to die.

Vincent tried to stop himself, but he couldn't. A sob escaped his throat, a gasping one that was made all the more obvious by the sharp motion in his chest and how he convulsively clutched Cid's hand, harder then he had intended, so hard he knew that there was no way that Cid could remain asleep.

"Mmph..." Cid made an annoyed noise as he levered himself up with his free arm, looking about curiously for the source of what had woken him. Vincent turned slightly, his frightened tearful staring upwards as Cid slowly realized where he was and who was with him. Blue met red, and the terror was not hidden. Vincent could not stop crying now.

"Vin?" Cid's voice was just confused, not hateful or scornful or mocking, just sleepy and confused. "Jesus Christ, Vin, what th' #$^$#-"

"Oh god Highwind, don't hate me, please, don't hate me, I was just..." Vincent spoke far too quickly for Cid's sluggish mind to understand. He noted that he was still holding his hand and let go quickly, moving so that his claw came back into sight. He couldn't even bear to look at it anymore. "It was just, I don't know, it had been, no, that would never justify it, I have no justification for something this terrible, please don't hate me, I won't even presume to ask for forgiveness, but please don't hate me, I couldn't bear it, please don't hate me..."

Vincent's voice was quavering and shaky and he could barely organize any of his thoughts. Cid simply stared at him, the look on his face quizzical, as if not comprehending. He sat up completely and rubbed his eyes harshly, as if trying to wake himself, then finally leaned his hand against his forehead.

"Wait wait wait..." His voice was still slow and tired. "How did you get here, Vin?"

The waves of guilt were slowly making him curl up, drawing his legs further upwards and almost cringing away from Cid, as if expecting a blow of some kind. Vincent tried to think of a way to explain and eventually decided that all he could really say was the truth. "I...I crawled into your bed..."

The realization of what he had just said hit him and he put both his hands over his eyes, even though the metal claw was sharp against his forehead. "Oh god, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry, I never ever should have done this, I never meant to..."

Cid was shaking his head and trying to snap out of his sleepy state, but he was woken in the middle of deep sleep, therefore wasn't going to come to full consciousness quite yet. He put both his hands against his head and talked slowly. "Jesus #$@%in' Chris Vin, for god's sake, could you've done this some other time, it's just too god#$^# early for this, jesus christ..."

Cid turned away from Vincent sharply and flopped back onto the bed, shaking the entire thing. Vincent stared at him in shock, not sure of what to think. Cid was already asleep in seconds, pulling the covers up over his shoulders and unintentionally over Vincent as well.

Vincent stared at his back in disbelief.

A second chance...this was his chance to get out of the bed...Cid probably wouldn't remember this at all, he could go back to his own bed and Cid would never know...

His own bed in the dark...the moon had moved so that it no longer shone on his bed...he would be alone, in the dark...

He didn't want to be alone...

No, this was his only chance to redeem himself, to fix what he had done wrong...

No, he didn't want to be lonely anymore...he didn't want to be alone...

He couldn't force his body to move. It seemed frozen and unresponsive, completely unwilling to do anything that he supposedly wished it would. He lay there, his metal arm hidden underneath his back so as not to disturb the sleeping pilot, and he tried to figure out what to do.  
Nothing made any sense. What was he supposed to do?  
Nothing had changed...

Cid mumbled something in his sleep about "god#^$# early morning" and then fell silent.

Vincent could still feel Cid's heat next to him. Cid had flopped back over, and Vincent had somehow regained his previous place beside him, this time without the arm over his chest.

Did he...no...he never...he couldn't...

Vincent, even when beside him, still felt slight pangs of loneliness within his heart. Their return made it all the more painful for him. Raising his hand to his own eyes, he dried his face, ashamed at himself for his own weakness. He was supposed to be strong...

How could he bear to be strong under the weight of so many sins? So many things he had done wrong...

What right did he have to pretend he was strong? To pretend he knew was he was talking about? What right did he really have to even pretend that he, Vincent, wasn't frightened and scared inside? Why did he even try to fight it anymore?

He was just a weak monster inside, not even worthy of fighting, not even worthy of anything, only death to help strengthen the genetic line...

A frightened, scared, child inside a man's body that didn't even truly belong to him anymore...the scars and claw were proof of that...had his body truly belonged to him, then this would not have happened, he would not have allowed it to be altered...

He was a fool...a dark, monstrous fool...who was so afraid and alone...

Within the depths of his own despair, Vincent turned his scarlet eyes towards Cid's back, still raising and falling evenly. He could still feel his heat coming over him, warming his own frail, cold, white skin.

I have nothing more to lose...I have lost everything...my love, my purpose, my body, my soul, my life...I have nothing left to lose...why even fight anymore...?

He turned slightly onto his side, his head still slightly above the shorter pilots. He lifted his claw arm, which moved with a slight metallic noise. He ignored the guilt he was feeling and raised it, feeling nothing as he reached forward with it.

Don't forgive me...

His thoughts came bitter and almost mocking in his own mind, enough to make Chaos proud. He placed the claw gently across Cid's chest, gently holding him. The lanky pilot didn't even seem to respond truly, only curling slightly against Vincent's chest, still deep in slumber. The loneliness went away, and in the depths of all his sorrow and anguish Vincent found the time to shed tears, because now he had truly lost everything.

I don't deserve it...


	2. Perspective - Cid

Cid didn't wake up easily. That much was made evident by how he had completely ignored Vincent when he was so distraught and went back to sleep. In fact, the entire conversation had been completely wiped from his mind from sheer exhaustion.

When he woke the next morning, his consciousness came back at a slow rate, as usual, but this time he was truly going to get up, therefore he didn't lapse back into sleep, although his body wanted to very badly.

He shifted his weight, as he usually did, to tell his body that he was truly getting up. While he did, he felt something strange against his bare arms. It was smooth, but not cold.

In his sleepy state, he wasn't sure how to react to this. He leaned upwards on one arm for a moment, steadying his shaky sense of balance and trying to shake the last cobwebs of sleep from his brain. He finally looked down and saw the telltale glint of metal around him.

If he had been alert, he would have panicked. However, with his slow sleepy reaction to things, the only thing that ran through his mind was a simple question. "What the #$^#?"

He moved his arm to get a clearer view of the metal object and found that it had five fingers. Finally his brain decided to find where the source of the metal object was, and found Vincent, sleeping quietly.

Cid stared at him for a while, trying to comprehend.

"#^$#."

He wasn't sure what to do after his short statement. He remained leaning upwards, trying to clear his mind, and decided understanding how this had happened and what it could mean should come later. The more important thing was to get out of bed and get dressed.

So Cid carefully placed one of his hands across the gold metallic claw. Although he expected it to be cold, he found it was almost warm to the touch. Registering this as odd, he gently slid it away from him and eased away from Vincent, trying not to wake him. He wasn't ready to deal with Vincent's reply (which, even in his sleepy state, he knew would be terribly angsty) or even with Vincent waking up.

After all, maybe this wasn't even his bed. Maybe he had crawled in with Vincent. Why would he do that...?

He didn't have time to think, he couldn't think. He had to wake up first, then he could think.

He eased out of the bed, trying to keep his mind off the sensation of sleeping next to someone else, rubbing at his eyes sleepily and groping for the packet of cigarettes he had left by the bedside. Maybe that would clear his head.

He placed his feet on the floor, trying to ignore the cold boards underneath them, and stood. He groped around the table for a moment, finally found what he was looking for, and went to the window.

He opened it slowly, noting the sky outside seemed uncertain. This wasn't good whether to fly in, he knew that much. It was the kind of sky that could easily turn on you. He leaned and breathed smoke outside quietly, letting the chemicals flood his body and begin to wake him.

He had learned to do this after Shera had complained about the constant smoke in the house. Cid had become accustomed to gravitating towards windows when smoking, not because of any concern for others, but because it had been ingrained in him by Shera's constant reminders.

He breathed out a slow cloud into the cold morning air, sighing almost as he did so. He leaned his thin body almost completely out of the window, as if trying to escape. He focused his blue eyes completely on the sky, as he usually did. Sometimes if he did this correctly, it felt as if he were truly flying.

He closed his eyes and thought.

Facts, first of all. I went to sleep alone. I woke up with Vin in bed with me. He was holding onto my chest.

Those are the facts.

Now...

Why?

Cid scratched his head quizzically. He hadn't gotten drunk last night, so that ruled THAT out as a reason he couldn't remember...he could remember everything fairly clearly until he went to sleep. He remembered seeing Vincent untying the red bandana he always wore and placing it by the bed.

Chancing a glance back into the room, he found the article of Vincent's assemble where it had been left. Yes, he was remembering correctly...

He had changed and went to sleep, and as far as he knew Vincent went to sleep as well.

Now when he woke up, Vincent was in bed with him.

Checking himself, he found that his pajamas felt almost exactly the same as he had when he had worn them. He couldn't have taken them off, that could never have happened...

Why did he even think that it could have?

He turned back into the room, pushing his cigarette down into the windowsill to extinguish it, and he walked slowly back to his bed, his feet padding softly on the floor. He slowly moved the sheets that covered the still sleeping Vincent and found that underneath Vincent was just as completely dressed as he.

He sat down on the bed, resting his head on his hands.

Why did these thoughts even come to him? Why did he even consider them a possibility? Did that mean that he...? No, there was no way. No way that could ever happen...there's no...it was impossible...

"#$&$in' impossible." He mumbled outloud to himself, but softly so no one could hear how sad his voice really was.

He cursed at himself mentally.

What the #&#%, Highwind? What. The. #^#^. You're actin' like Goth-boy over there, you're goin' to angst up the whole #$^# room at this rate. Stop actin' like a god@#%@ crybaby and think this through. What could have happened?

He glanced back at Vincent. Now that he thought about it, the bandana that Vincent wore didn't seem to do much, but in fact without the restraining red fabric, the dark hair flowed in almost every direction. It spread in an almost black halo around Vincent, who was sleeping almost peacefully, his metal claw arm left where Cid had let it rest.

Okay...this is your bed, right?

Cid looked around. This was the bed he remembered falling asleep in before...

Okay, Vin was in his own bed before, right?

He nodded at his own thoughts.

Now, two things could have happened here...either he came to you, or you came to him and don't remember.

Which one is more likely, Highwind?

Cid sighed heavily and rubbed his head. It was too #$^# early for this.

Vin's my friend, sure. He's always watched my back, he listens to me talk, he's so quiet, he doesn't seem scary to me at all...

Does that mean other people frighten you, Highwind?

Cid glared at his own small hands. 

Vin just isn't a threat, that's all.

Why are you scared of people?

Cid buried his hands in his hair in frustration. I don't want to remember...

Fine, let's leave that alone. Vin's your friend...do you always sleep with your friends?

No, #$^@ no, what the #$^# are you saying?

When's the last time you had a friend?

I've had lots of friends, like Cloud-

Like Vin.

Cid paused silently.

I don't know...

Perhaps he's not just a friend?

At the very thought Cid stood up angrily and shook his head furiously, trying to punish his own brain.

No! NO! #$^#! NO! I can't THINK that #$^#, I CAN'T, once I do, I'm open and weak again and I can't #$^@in' allow that, I can't think that, I can't do that to Vin and I can't do that to myself, no...no, I can't...Vin's my friend, that's all, that's all it can ever be...

I can't...let...myself be that weak again...

I refuse to remember...

It #$^#in' never happened...

I wish it never happened...

He found himself clutching his own thin arms and he forced his hands to let go.

Cid glanced back at Vincent, who slept so quietly, his hair falling over his face, breathing short but even. Even with the claw, Cid could never see Vincent ever hurting him. He trusted Vincent, and despite all of his claims that he was a monster, he could never truly believe that Vincent would ever willingly hurt him. He would never believe that Chaos and Vincent were the same, or that Vincent was the same as any of the beasts that inhabited his frail body. Vincent was his friend, one of his truest, best friends...

He couldn't ruin that...he couldn't bear to hurt Vincent...because he knew that Vincent would never hurt him...how could he even think of hurting him? For Vincent's trust, for the safety that exuded from him, and the security that Cid felt while around him...he could never hurt him...

And that meant...he could never get close to Vincent, he could never do anything that could even remotely come close to hurting him. He had to stay away, because everyone that got close to him got hurt...

Including himself...

_Little guy thinks he's got what it takes to be a Shinra Pilot? Little one thinks-_

"#$&#! That didn't happen..." The words found reality by accident. He looked back at Vincent, worried that he had woken him. All he had done was turn away.

Deep inside, he knew that Vincent had to think of him as his best friend as well...there had to be no other option. Why else would he have let him take him here...

No, would have come to sleep with HIM. If he he had done something, then he would have remembered it, simple as that...

He didn't forget things that important.

Cid sighed, rubbing his forehead. For all his years of hardwork, of torment under so many that he trusted, of hard work that never got repayed, here he was...sitting on the bed, and having gotten no further then he had when he had started. Still unable to trust, still afraid to be close, still afraid...

He was still afraid, small, and weak inside.

He pulled his knees up to his chest.

@$^@, I'm gettin' worse then Vin, but...I can understand where he's comin' from now...why am I here, what am I here for...? I'm goin' to ruin our friendship and hurt Vin this way, I can't #$^#in' do that, I can't do that...

"I can't do that..."

He had put his hands over his eyes, but a slight touch to his bare foot grabbed his attention.

"Can't do what, Highwind...?" A soft, quiet voice penetrated his thoughts, one that he knew far too well.

#$^#.

Cid did the first thing that came to mind and one of the things he was truly good at. Denial.

"What th' #^#% are you talking about?"

Cid uncovered his face quickly and pulled another cigarette free, trying to act nonchalant. His hands were shaking and he cursed loudly in his head as he put it to his lips.

While he had been struggling to avoid eye-contact at all costs, Vincent had pushed himself up into a sitting position, his own dark hair falling over his face and masking his expression from view.

"I'm sorry."

"F'what?" Cid mumbled as he lit the cigarette. He thought for a moment and forgot to keep his response to himself. "#&#%!"

Vincent had his hands clasped in his lap as he kneeled near side, refusing to look up so his face remained impossible to interpret. "I'm sorry, Highwind. I won't ask you to forgive me."

Cid sucked angrily on the cigarette thinking it would clear his thoughts but it only made him more jumpy. He pushed a hand into his hair, then jerked it free sharply. "#&#% it-" He put his hands back on his head again, trying desperatly to think of something to say. "#$^# Vin, don't start this #$^# with me, I really can't deal with this right now-"

"Highwind...?" Vincent moved slightly, so a slight glimmer of scarlet red could be seen between black. "...oh...I know why you're acting like this, it's because of-"

"This is NOT your #$^#in' fault, Vin, okay?!" Cid shouted at him more harshly then he intended then turned away from him, hiding his eyes with his hands as he tried to let the smoke fill his lungs. He was breathing too fast. "For #^#$in' god's sake, this isn't your fault, jesus christ I can't deal with this...#$^#..."

"Highwind...?" Vincent's voice was now concerned and confused. Cid had been slightly worried that the raising of his voice would cause Vincent to lock away, but it apparently seemed to only have an opposite affect.

#$^#! If he HAD locked up, that would have at least given him time to think!

At the touch of Vincent's human hand against his shoulder Cid jumped sharply, causing the cigarette to fall out of his trembling fingers onto the floor. Finding some way to vent his angry, he began cursing in long strings that didn't even make sense, trying to get rid of the tension that had been building in him ever since he had woken up.

"Highwind, please calm down and tell me what's wrong." Vincent's voice was calm, but he could feel the worry underneath it. Cid turned towards him and grabbed his thin shoulders roughly, his hands still shaking. Vincent's face finally became visible, his hair falling to one side as he stared at him with startled red eyes.

"God#^@#it Vin, don't go stoic on me, what th' #$^# happened, how did you get in my bed? $^@#, I don't even think I WANT to know, #$^@. #$^#!" Cid repeated himself angrily, letting go of Vincent to hide his own face again. "God^#%@it Vin, tell me this isn't my fault, #$^#, this can't be happening again..."

Vincent completely misinterpreted Cid's words and as a result he struggled to keep tears from falling. He was struggling mightily to keep himself under control. For some reason, seeing Cid so emotional was frightening him, and when frightened, he tended to return to the behavior he had always known. Stoicism. "Highwind, this isn't your fault. I did this of my own volition. This is my fault, if anything. I made this decision, and I apologize." Vincent lowered his eyes again.

Cid paused, as if thinking this over, then grasped his hair inbetween his fingers viciously. "#$^#! @#@^ that makes things even WORSE! You can't...#$%&, Vin, #$^# why? Why th' #$^#...#$^#, #$#$, this can't be real..."

Vincent looked away, staring at his own claw. "I...was lonely. I know you...you're my friend...I...I really hoped you...wouldn't mind...I guess I was wrong to presume something like that..."

Why am I speaking like this? This isn't helping Cid calm down! He asked me not to and I can't even do THAT...

"#$&#, I don't mind...#$^#! God#$^#in' #$^# it I can't DO this!" Cid's voice cracked sharply. "I can't...I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't...#$#$, I can't hurt you like this Vin I can't, I just can't do this...#$^# I don't want this to happen again....@#$@...#$@$ it all to $^@%, this can't be happening again..."

"Highwind, what are you talking about...?"

Cid was breathing quickly and shallowly. "I am NOT WEAK!"

He must have intended for his statement to be angry, but it broke halfway through into what sounded like a cry of despair.

"#$^#..." Cid was covering his own eyes now, his voice soft. "#$^#...I can't even convince myself..."

Vincent placed a hand on Cid's shoulder. Cid lifted his hand and his eyes shone with sadness.

"Vin, don't let me hurt you like this, please tell me to #$^# off, hit me, get rid of me, just don't let me do this...I just hurt everyone I touch...I got hurt by everyone...I can't do this...I just hurt people...I can't love someone because I don't know how..."

Vincent stared at him for a few moments, not moving his hand. "Love?"

Cid stared at him for a few seconds then curled his knees towards him, covering his head with his arms. "#$^#. Oh god, oh #$^@, I didn't say that, did I...? #$^$. #$^#."

Vincent could feel him shaking underneath his hand. He moved his claw arm to steady him, not sure of what to do. Cid felt very small and frail underneath his hands. Although Cid was stronger then him in many ways, in other ways their body types were similiar. Lanky and thin...

"Highwind...?"

Cid was repeating the last obscenity over and over softly under his breath, refusing to lift his head at all. Vincent gently applied more pressure with his human hand. "Highwind...? Are you alright...?"

Cid's voice was frightening when he responded, simply because it was so soft, so lost, and so forlorn. "I've never #$^#in' been alright in my #^#$in' life."

"What happened...?" Vincent recognized the tone in his voice. Only severe mental pain could cause this kind of anguish...

"N...nothing...#$%&..." Cid shivered slightly. "I don't know...somethin'...wasn't a big deal...#$^# it, a lot of stuff happened...#$^#."

"I'm your friend, Highwind. I won't hurt you and you know I would never tell anyone. What happened? Please..." Vincent was frightened himself. He had never seen Cid this way. This was something completely out of his experience and it frightened him. He wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing anymore.

"...I went to Shinra to become a pilot...'member...?"

Vincent nodded slightly, then realized that Cid couldn't see him as he was and squeezed his shoulder to indicate he agreed. Cid apparently understood this as he continued onwards.

"Well...you know me...I'm...I'm..." Cid shivered slightly again. "I'm...small..."

Vincent knew how Cid hated others mocking him about his height or his stature. He had trained to become a pilot so long ago...he must have been even smaller then then he was now. He squeezed his shoulder again.

"I guess...that made me weak..."

Vincent tried to stop Cid but he continued before he could protest.

"Others...bigger people...stronger people..." His voice took an odd tone on the word "stronger" as if it was something he was forcing out. "People who..."

"Highwind, tell me they didn't..."

"Everyday..." Cid shivered violently. "Everyday...they...they...they hurt me..."

Cid tensed sharply and his voice took on a weird day. "They hurt me, made me bleed, hit me because it was easy, because I was weak. Too weak and too small to do anything. To weak. Bled every day...every...#^#$in...day..."

Vincent felt a stronger pain then loneliness filling his heart. "No..."

"Couldn't #$^#in' take it anymore, I grabbed a pole...a pole...and I finally...defended myself."

Cid loosened slightly. "Felt natural, actually. That's why I use those things. They saved my life...couldn't take much more of that #%$# at th' rate it was goin'...they didn't bother me after that...and I got my wings...though my god#$^# body was broken to pieces to get them..."

Vincent felt tears falling from his own eyes. "This isn't fair, this shouldn't happen to you, this isn't fair..."

"I can't...how could you blame me, I can't @^@$in' trust anyone no more, after all...I trusted them at first, they were my friends and they #$^#in' stabbed me in the #$^#in' back...god#$^# 'em all...I can't..."

Cid lifted his face slightly so that Vincent could finally see his eyes, soft and frightened. "I can't do this Vin, I can't #$^#in' do this...you're goin' to get hurt, and I can't let that happen, not again...I can't let you get hurt 'cause god#$#$it you haven't hurt me...you've actually saved me a few times, #$^#...I can't do this to you, I can't..."

Cid let go of his knees and moved as if to go. "I can't #$^#in' do this, Vin, I can't..."

Vincent was struck with a sudden sharp panic. He couldn't let Cid go in this condition, he would never come back...

How did he know that?

Vincent refused to let go of Cid and pulled to move him back into his previous position. Cid wasn't prepared for resistance and fell back on the bed. Vincent wasn't prepared himself, and Cid's head was against his chest.

Not sure of what else to do, Vincent wrapped his arms around Cid tightly. "Please don't go, Highwind, don't do this. You don't have to run away from me, I'll never hurt you. Don't be frightened of me, even though that's too much to ask..."

Cid struggled momentarily but eventually he just laid quietly, his face hidden in Vincent's shirt. 

"You can't hurt me because every moment with you only makes the pain go away...you can't hurt me...all you can ever do is the opposite..."

"GOD#$^# YOU!" Cid shouted angrily, striking at Vincent with his fists for only a moment before just collapsing into tears. "God#$^# you, Vin, #$#@ you...you make this too #$^#in' hard..."

Cid struggled not to cry, not to sob, but for once he felt safe...and after a long existence of living from one moment to the next avoiding death and pain, to be somewhere safe can sometimes generate tears of relief. Whether or not those were what Cid was shedding was impossible to say, but Vincent only motion the entire time was to rub Cid's back to remind him he was there.

"God#$^@ you..."

Vincent waited until Cid had calmed down enough before speaking, trying to keep his voice soft and non-threatening.

"Highwind, please calm down..."

"#$^#...I can't...but...agh..." Cid twisted slightly, as if making his inward struggle visible outwardly, but Vincent refused to let him go. He was worried that Cid would run off to be alone somewhere, and he knew that he couldn't be alone like this...he didn't want to be alone like this. If Cid had really wanted to be alone, he would have left a long time ago...if he had really wanted to be left alone, he would push Vincent away and leave, not just lay here and fight in this half-hearteded way.

Cid...Cid WANTED him to hold him...

He closed his red eyes and could hear his own voice mocking him...or was it Chaos...?

Wishful thinking, Valentine, wishful thinking. But to even think it means there's no way it could come true. He needs you now, he trusts you, he's weak and he needs your help, and you can only think of yourself and taking advantage of him. You're a pathetic monster...

Despite Chaos' attempts, Vincent struggled to keep his emotions under control. He couldn't afford to lose control in front of Cid...he needed him right now, he couldn't allow himself to lose control.

"You can't what...?"

Cid wasn't sure what to think. He hadn't been held this way for a long time...not since...a long time ago. That's all. A long time ago. He felt guilt for associating so many happy feelings with such a guilty pleasure, a guilty action, and his own guilty heart that was glad that someone had let him cry without striking him, without telling him he was weak.

He was weak, he knew that. Why didn't Vincent see that? Why was the dark man still here, holding onto him, even though he was so weak and so small, so wanting? Why was Vincent doing this? What benefit could this bring him?

Cid was confused.

He couldn't let this make him happy...he couldn't let that happen, that was wrong...and it was dangerous too. Allowing himself to feel that way was just dangerous...for both him AND Vin...there's was no way he could...

He turned his head so his ear rested on Vincent's chest. He could feel the moisture from his own tears but, more importantly hear Vincent's heartbeat. The soft rhythmic noise helped to calm him down, and his gasping breaths finally slowed.

Vincent had been waiting patiently for a response, although it had taken Cid several minutes to compose himself so he could respond.

"I...I can't..." Cid closed his eyes and wished there was some way to explain this, to explain why he couldn't do this, to explain what was so wrong. Would any of the explanations work on Vincent? Would Vincent even listen to them? He couldn't explain himself out of this...there was no explanation...

"Please don't be frightened of me..." Vincent's voice lost the emotionless tone it had for most of the conversation and became softer and frailer. Cid was startled at the change. "It's a bit much to ask, I know, but don't be frightened of me. I won't hurt you, I promise."

Cid kept his eyes closed. "It's hard for me to believe that kind of #$^#, y'know that Vin...? #$^#, everyone's tried t'convince me different my whole life...I remember that someone actually told me once...somethin' like 'don't depend on others, 'cause no one can care about yourself more then you' or somethin' stupid like that..."

Cid sighed deeply, focusing most of his attention on the sound of Vincent's heart beating, trying to ignore the fact that he was still being held. "#$#%, I'm weak mentally even, if what they said made so much of a difference in my life...#$^#, my life, what right do I have to say that? I never controlled a #$^# thin' in my life...everyone's always told me what to do and where to go...the only thin' I ever really wanted to do was fly, and learnin' how...involved me doin' whatever everyone said..."

Cid sighed again. "The only thin' I ever thought of wantin' or doin' myself is to fly...the rest of my life is just so...so...god, just so not mine...I have no willpower, I just do what other people tell me to..."

"Highwind, that's not-"

"#$#^, I'm so god#$^# weak, I hate myself for that, you know that? I hate myself for being so weak and so...what's the word...?"

Vincent had closed his own eyes and spoke softly. "Impressionable...?"

Cid paused for a moment. "I guess that's what I was thinkin' of, I don't know...#$^#, now we done everythin', we beat that #$^#% Sephiroth, and now what...? Continue my pointless life with Shera...with no direction...god, I'm scared of that, Vin...I don't want to lose this..."

Cid looked at his hands. They were rarely uncovered except when he slept, and staring at them made him see all the small imperfections that made him his own. Like a scar at the base of his hand that came from...

"When we'd been travelin' with the kid, I knew what I was doin' with my life was right...I had a real purpose for once..."

Cid wished he could disappear as he pressed his head against Vincent's chest, trying to force himself to calm down. "Yeah...'cause the kid told me what to do...I'm so #^#$in' used to people tellin' me what to do...I can't handle bein' without that..."

Cid wanted to cover his face, but his hands didn't want to move. "I'm scared, Vin, I'm scared...I don't want to lose this. I don't want to have to be guideless...I don't want to lose you..." He paused for only a second. "#$%&, I mean..."

"Highwind, I know that a lot has happened to you, but..." Vincent couldn't help but hold Cid closer to him and he felt a pang of guilt at doing so, while Chaos snickered at him from his own mind. "You aren't weak at all, you aren't weak."

"#$#^ Vin, don't lie to me."

"Have I ever before?"

Cid paused.

"Highwind, you're a strong person...the fact that you made it out of that horrible phase of your life...the fact that you're here right now, even when faced with the death of the planet...the fact that you saved us all, when the planet threatened to destroy us...you're so strong."

Cid shook his head then hid his face again in his chest. "#$%# Vin, don't say that, #$^#, I can't believe that..."

Vincent closed his eyes. "When I was injured...how you always lept in front of me to take the damage, to protect me and our other party members...you can't be weak. You can't be, there's no way."

"#$^#! I am!" Cid sounded desperate.

"You can't be, there's no proof." Vincent continued to hold him. "You've never shown any signs of weakness to me, Highwind."

"Then what the #$^# do you call this?!" Cid sounded almost frightened. "I'm #$#$in' cryin', Vin! Why the #$#@ haven't you hit me yet!?"

Cid pulled himself away, forcing Vincent to let him go and only keep a hold of his upper arms, and stared Vincent in the eyes. Vincent stared back, startled. Cid thought about what he said.

"#$#@! $#%@ @#%@ @#%#, I DIDN'T say that!"

"Highwind, crying isn't weak." Vincent could feel tears rising in his own eyes at Cid's pain, but struggled to keep them back. "It isn't."

"@$^@, how can you say that!" Cid was becoming hysterical again. It was only Vincent's hold on his arms that kept him from curling into a ball. "How can you #$^#in' say that, Vin?"

"I can say it because it's true, Highwind." Vincent's voice was becoming pained. "I know because I've cried a great deal myself, and that doesn't change anything."

"#$^#, Vin, you can't tell me crying isn't weak, 'cause..."

"Tears are signs of strength, Highwind, they mean you have the strength to admit how you feel through them."

Cid looked down, small drops falling from his shadowed face. "#$#$ Vin...god$^@%in' #$^@it...why do you make this so hard..."

"I'm not trying to." Vincent let go of Cid's arm with his right hand and decided to take a chance. He didn't know what else to do.

He gently raised Cid's face and brushed away his tears with his hand, struggling to keep his hand from shaking. Cid stared at him in confusion.

"I'm trying to help...not make things worse..."

Cid stared at him. He was still crying, although Vincent could tell that he was trying to stop. "Then just hit me, Vin...I can understand that, that's what I'm #$^#in' used to now...I don't know what to do and that's why this is hard..."

Vincent shook his head back and forth slowly, his black hair floating along with him. "No. I can't. I won't."

"Then what the #$^# am I supposed to do!?" Cid shouted at him, desperate for an answer he could understand.

Vincent closed his eyes, trying to think, as Cid struggled to keep himself under control. This resulted in a series of noises that almost sounded like sobs but converted into noises of rage, which made them even more painful to hear.

"I can't tell you that."

"#$^@!" Cid sounded even more angered by that response. "Vin, I can't..."

Vincent retook his hold on his arms. "Please, don't do this to yourself..."

Cid looked at him with a strange, lost look in his eyes. "If you won't and I can't, then who will?"

The look in his eyes was so familiar and horrifying that Vincent pulled Cid to him sharply with a cry of pain. "Don't look like that! Don't look at me like that!"

Cid made a short startled noise as Vincent held onto him tightly. "Don't look at me with those lost eyes, you can't...you should never have to have those eyes, it's not fair...it's not fair, please don't look like that, I can't bear it...the pain is so strong...you shouldn't have that kind of pain..."

Cid shook underneath his touch. "#$^@, #$@#, this was what I was talkin' about, I @$^@in' hurt you...#$^#...I knew this would happen..."

Vincent pushed Cid out so he could look at him. "This isn't your fault, Highwind, it was never your fault. This is my fault, only mine, and the reason I'm in pain is because I feel yours."

Cid stared at him, the lost look gone but replaced with sadness. "God Vin, all you've ever done is be my friend, #$^#, all I want to do is make you happy for it..."

"You don't have to repay friendship, Highwind." 


	3. Consequences, Truth, Comfort

The two stared at eachother in silence for a few moments, as if waiting for the other to make their move.

The lost look is gone, that's good...you should hold him again. Yes, it's wrong, but if he wants it, you shouldn't argue, it's for him...

#$^@, Vin looks so frightened and sad, this is all my #$^@in' fault, #$^@. Why is he doin' all the holdin'? I'm bein' so #$^#in' selfish...

At the same time, both of them moved forward to hold the other. Both were completely unprepared for this and in the confusion of motion, their lips brushed against eachother, if only for a few seconds.

There was a moments pause as they stared at eachother.

"$^@$!"

He turned to leave, and Vincent grabbed him quickly, pulling him backwards in fright.

"Highwind! Highwind, please calm down! Please!" His voice was panicked.

"#^#% Vin, I'm sorry, god, I'm sorry, this is all my #$^#in' fault, #$^#, let me go...I don't...I can't..."

Vincent held onto his arms stubbornly, keeping him from moving, Cid's back against his chest. Cid struggled again, but in a half-hearted way that Vincent knew meant he wasn't trying. "Highwind, that was not your fault. It was an accident."

"#$^$ Vin..." Cid hung his head. "#$#^, why don't you hate me, god, I've been nothin' but #$#% to you...god#$^# it, Vin, why?"

"Highwind, listen to me. You've never hurt me. You never will."

"How do I KNOW that?" Cid's voice again took on a panicky tone. "#$^@, I hurt everyone! How can I not hurt you? Didn't I just hurt you?"

Vincent was silent for a few seconds. "Highwind, a kiss doesn't hurt someone."

"#^#$! Don't call it that!" Cid's arms shook violently in Vincent's hands. "It was an accident, I swear to god, I didn't mean it to happen..."

"Highwind." Vincent tried to sound serious, but his voice only saddened. "Highwind, a kiss doesn't hurt someone."

Cid seemed to fall apart in front of his eyes, covering his face again with his hands. "#^$# Vin, it hurt ME."

Vincent could help but shed tears at that, but it turned out to be completly misdirected.

"God, I don't want to remember, but everytime they kissed me, god...it hurt, #$^#, it hurt...everythin' about them hurt and $%&#, I don't even want to remember it anymore, I can't..."

"Highwind..."

Cid looked at him in confusion. "#$^# Vin, love wasn't supposed to hurt, is it?" He paused. "Was it. #$^#."

Vincent shook his head for a moment, then sighed himself. "I'm not the person to ask."

Cid turned his head slightly so he could see the sky, focusing on that. "I trusted him...I really did, Vin, I really did trust him...he was the only #$^#in' friend I ever had...only one who would help me when they'd beat the #$#@ out of me...he was my friend, Vin..."

Vincent didn't ask for Cid's eyes to be returned to his own. He could see that staring at the sky he had longed for was calming Cid down slightly, even though he was shivering.

"$%&# Vin, he was my friend...what was I supposed to do...? I don't know...#$^#, I probably did the wrong thing anyway...I don't know..."

"Highwind, what happened?" Vincent asked softly, so much so that he wasn't sure he could be heard at all. Cid's eyes returned to match his own, although he didn't move the direction of his head.

"#$#% Vin, #$^#...he was my friend and #$^$, I don't know how it happened but somehow he got me and he kissed me, I don't know why, #$%@, I don't know why I even let him, I guess it was 'cause I trusted him not to hurt me, and that was shot to #$^@ right there, cause it hurt. It hurt like a #$^@$."

Vincent couldn't help but ask. "Why?"

"$%&#, he was a weird guy, I knew that, he was my friend tho', #$^#. I think he bit me." Cid buried his head in his hands and curled up tightly and convulsively. "#$^#, Vin! $^#$! That wasn't supposed to happen! God@$#%it I trusted him and he #$^@in' hurt me..."

Vincent closed his eyes and breathed slowly, trying to prepare himself to say something that he could never believe in, but he knew was true.

"Highwind, one person and one experience do not represent them all. Just because once-"

"This wasn't just once, #$^# it!" Cid glared at Vincent angrily, then seemed to realize what he was doing and hide his face again. "%#%#, Shera used to tell me the same thing and I didn't even tell her half the things I told you...#$^#, it wasn't just once, god#$%# it, every #$%^in' person I know stabs me in the back or hurts me..."

Vincent sighed very deeply. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer to the question that he felt he had to ask. "Highwind...have I hurt you...?"

Cid was silent for a long time.

Vincent wasn't sure what to do. He waited, but all Cid did was shake with barely controlled sobs of sadness and frustration.

This is wonderful, Valentine. You've ruined everything. You're so good at it. Can you at least TRY to help him?

How should I? I can't touch him, he's afraid...

Well, at least try. If he runs off screaming, then you're REALLY #%, to put it mildly. If not, good for you.

Since when do I talk like Cid...?

Vincent inched closer to Cid, but Cid had hidden his face and refused to look at him, only shaking. He gently reached out and touched his shoulder, not sure of what to expect.

"Highwind, I'm sorry..."

Cid ignored all his expectations by leaning towards him, still curled in a ball. Vincent didn't know what else to do but to put his arms around him, and Cid seemed to hide next to his chest, trying to disappear into Vincent. Vincent waited for Cid to say something, anything, then just breathe and shake into his chest.

"You didn't hurt me, Vin..." Cid finally said very softly. "That's what makes everythin' complicated. That's why it's different..."

Vincent physically shook with relief. "Then you're the first I never hurt..."

Cid sighed deeply. "What th' #$^# happened with us, Vin? Why did this have to happen to us, of all people...? I mean, I know you never did anythin' to deserve that claw and-" Cid pulled away before Vincent could protest, staring directly into his eyes and silencing. "Don't even start that #^$# about atoning and all that $%#$, it doesn't mean anythin'. You don't deserve that..." Cid moved his eyes from Vincent's and down towards his hands. "And I don't deserve this..."

Vincent shook his head, staring at Cid's hands along with him. "I don't know, Highwind, some things have no explanation...it wasn't our fault..."

Cid stared at his hands which had begun to shake. "I don't understand why the #$^# he did that to me, Vin...he was one of my only friends...I knew he was a weird guy, but still...I never thought...I didn't know it hurt like that..."

Vincent took a deep breath to steady himself and reached out, taking Cid's hands into his own to stop their shaking. He closed his eyes so he didn't have to see Cid's quizzical eyes staring at him. "Highwind, please believe me...it's not supposed to..."

When Vincent opened his eyes Cid was very close to him. The change was so sudden that Vincent backed away slightly. Cid was leaning towards him in such a way that almost the only place for Vincent's arms to go were around him. Cid's heart beat against his chest, in complete unison with his own. Vincent could feel him shaking with fright, as if the movement closer to him had been a great accomplishment, and Cid stared up at him.

"Kisses aren't supposed to hurt...?" Cid's voice was impossible to decipher. "I can't believe that Vin, every kiss someone ever forced on me hurt like #$^#...just..." Cid shivered and Vincent tightened his hold on him instinctively to help steady him. Cid's heart was beating faster, but Vincent found his own heart responding in kind to his, quickening it's pace. "Even...even trying to be held like this always ended with me being hurt...but...I can't..."

Cid closed his eyes. "How can I be human like this, Vin...? How can I pretend I can be by myself forever...? I need...someone to touch me and not hurt me...but there's no one who can do that...and $%&$, I'm sorry..." Cid struggled against Vincent's grip, in the same half hearted way he had before. "Let me go, this isn't right, this isn't right, I can't do this..."

"Highwind." Vincent refused to let go and in fact tightened his grip. "Highwind, don't do this to yourself. It isn't wrong to want this."

Vincent was internally fighting the exact same battle that Cid was fighting outwardly, but he refused to show it. "It isn't wrong, and it doesn't hurt."

Cid let his hands drop, Vincent holding him up completely, and looked at Vincent with the same, sad, lost eyes as before. "Vin...how can I believe that...?"

The eyes...they burned into his soul and caused such pain for him, to think that someone that he cared about so much was in so much pain...pain that...

That he couldn't...

That he HAD to relieve.

Go. Help him. 

Now.

Vincent gently pulled Cid towards him, his own arms shaking with fright and nervousness, almost as much as Cid's were. Vincent closed his eyes so he couldn't see what he was sure would be the horrified look on Cid's face as he brought his lips down to meet against his.

Cid closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable pain, the sharp nip somewhere in his mouth, the sensation of blood going down his throat, a taste he would never get used to...

There was nothing. Cid waited, tears falling before there was even a cause, but nothing. His mouth wasn't even forced open as it had been been before, with his friend pressing him against something and...

All he felt was Vincent's lips pressed against his, that was all. All he could feel was Vincent's hands, one metal, one flesh, holding him gently because he could no longer support himself, not pressuring him against anything, not forcing him to do anything.

There was no pressure, not forcing, no assumed outcome, and there was no pain. No blood. No pain.

When Vincent pulled away, Cid stared at him in utter confusion. What had just happened was against everything that he knew, everything that he had thought he learned. Vincent was crying, and he didn't know why. Had he hurt him?

Why didn't that hurt...?

Why did it feel...good...?

Vincent's next words were so soft that Cid could almost not hear them, although he knew what they were before they even left his mouth.

"Believe me."

Cid stared at him, not sure what to think or say. He raised his hands again, interlocking them behind Vincent's back and leaning his head against his chest again, using Vincent's heartbeat to speak for his own.

"...guess I have no choice..."

Vincent gently shook his head, and Cid knew this, even though his eyes were closed, because he could feel the soft strands of Vincent's hair sliding past his shoulders. "No, Cid...you've always had and always will have a choice."

~~~

Cloud wandered into the hallway. They were supposed to leave an hour ago...he knew that both Vincent and Cid were fond of sleeping rather late, but they really DID have to go...

He placed a hand against the doorknob of their room, turning it slowly. Was it locked...?

No...that was odd.

He slowly opened the door and leaned through, seeing only black-hair amidst the sheets of one bed.

"Vincent, we have to go. Go find Cid and get him ready, okay?"

Vincent raised his hand, waved it around sleepily, and mumbled something that resembled "Get bent, Strife" but that seemed so out of character for the dark man that Cloud dismissed it as nothing. He turned and closed the door behind him.

Vincent closed his eyes again and drifted back to the realm of sleep, Cid's head resting on his chest along with his arm. Vincent replaced his moved arm back around Cid where it had been for the last few hours. Cid has simply fallen asleep out of exhaustion in Vincent's arms, no doubt from crying so hard and so much over such a short period of time. Vincent simply held onto him and decided to join him in slumber.

Cid still shook occasionally, apparently still fighting with what had been ingrained in him as the correct response, but he didn't move from where he had decided to sleep. Vincent himself was still fighting the overwhelming guilt he felt at doing this, but decided not to move either.

Even though their feelings and minds hadn't completly reconciled with their actions, both of them had given up on fighting and had fallen into oblivion. Together.

To Be Continued...?


	4. Nightmare

Note: No, Cid's "Friend" isn't someone from da game. At least, I don't think they are. ^_^o They're just some sick son of a #$^#^. ^_^o I don't even know what da buggers name is. Anyway, cause peeps asked fer it, da angst fic continues. 

Mother#$%#ers...all of them...#$^#, how am I supposed to take five at once? #$^@, they knew it, they knew I'd be tired, #$^#in'...god#$^#in' #$^#it...what the #$^# did I ever do to them? #$^#...

Cid made a sharp cry, a short one, as a tender area underneath his chest was kicked harshly. It would have been a scream, if it hadn't been cut off halfway through. Cid wasn't about to scream for them, those five who constantly haunted him.

#$^@ers, #$%#ers, leave me the #$^# alone...

His teeth remained clenched, his muscles tensed as he tried not to wince as he was struck again, his eyes closed. He could taste something odd in his mouth, but he didn't know what it was. Another strike, a blow, and a fresh stab of pain shot through his body, seeming to reverberate until the pain faded away, the laughter of those who tormented him echoing around him.

Why are you doing this to me...#$^#...

His thoughts remained his own. He didn't talk much, finding that not only did it change nothing, it often made them worse. Maybe what he tasted in his mouth was cigarettes. He had been smoking before. He tried to focus on that train of thought, but another kick hit his upper arm, jerking it away form his torso sharply. Rolling with the blow, Cid moved a few feet away, colliding with a wall as he silently begged any god of mercy, or any god at all, to spare him this humiliation, this pain.

But mostly the humiliation.

There was a pause, and the laughter stopped for a few moments. Cid rolled onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbow, his eyes still shut tight. His body rocked as he felt a wave of nausea which he fought back. No matter how many times this happened, he would never get used to it, and his body was adamant on this point. He kept his eyes closed as he coughed brokenly, finding whatever was blocking his throat moving. He opened his eyes slightly to see the dark red flecking the concrete below him and he groaned inwardly. He wasn't about to give them the satisfaction of hearing such a pained sound.

The effort it took to keep himself up was too much, and he let his arm collapse as it apparently wanted so badly to do, supporting his head on his arms as his eyes eased open slowly, fresh aches and pains coming back at the movement.

He was fighting them off. No surprise there...this had always happened as well. It was almost as routine as the beatings themselves. The only variable was _when_ he would be rescued, not _if_.

He closed his eyes, finding something pounding inside his skull. He weakly pulled his free arm upwards and held onto his head, trying to find some way to alleviate the ache. His hands presence did nothing but remind him of how tender his skin now was, and he winced again as pain went through not only his hand, but around his ears.

"Hey there."

The voice slid through his ears and again he felt the nausea rising again. He was grateful, of course, but he didn't like him. He didn't like his voice...and he had this horrible feeling inside that perhaps, all these rescues and the like that he did because they were "friends" were in fact going to be used against him somehow. He was in debt and he knew it. He opened his mouth and felt something liquid slide past his lips. #$^#, he had been chewing the inside of his cheek, something that had become a nervous habit for him when he wasn't smoking, particularly when he was around, and he had put too much pressure. The metallic taste was enough to make his body rock again, and he managed to curl up into a ball, wishing to anything to make this kind of pain stop.

He tried to focus on his sky, his beautiful sky that someday would be his and his alone, but it was stained with clouds and blood, and it frightened him.

"Are you going to be okay?" Hands rested on his shoulder, cold and thin. He could feel them even through his thick shirt, and he shivered again, his body gladly taking the opportunity to use the energy it had been storing while his muscles were pulled taut. His whole body shook in abrupt spasms, with irregular pauses between, and he felt his teeth click against eachother occasionally. He shivered on the concrete floor, wanting to be anywhere then this place, bleeding and bruised, sick and weak. Small. Anywhere but small.

"They got you pretty bad this time, my friend..." Cid didn't like it when he used that phrase. He used it too much. "I was engaged somewhere else, but otherwise I would have come to your aid sooner..."

Cid coughed violently, trying to clear his mouth enough to be able to speak, finding his entire body quaking along with the movements. He held onto his upper arms violently, digging his fingers deep, trying to cease the motion and find something else to focus the nervous energy on.

"Here..." Something was held to his lips that was cold and wet. He recoiled instinctively until he realized it was a water bottle. "Wash out your mouth and try to breath."

When the liquid first entered his mouth he coughed again, violently, and the water escaped against his will. Another try had more success, and his mouth soon became clearer, and it was easier to breathe. He pushed himself upwards on his weak, shivering arms, trying to get away from the clouded, dirtied water on the concrete. His eyes showed him two of everything, including his friend, and he felt dizzy.

"There. Are you okay now?"

Cid touched his jaw carefully, wondering if perhaps it was broken. It only felt like it was. Brushing his thin, bloodied fingers along his bruised jawline, he managed to make his eyes focus on the young man in front of him holding the water bottle, making him one being. Again, the sick feeling of uncomfort and confusion came over him as his eyes flashed over his face, not wanting to make eye contact for any undue amount of time. Wouldn't a normal friend have looked more concerned...?

He felt sick.

"Two black eyes. They did do a lot of damage this time."

"#$^#ers." The words were cracked, but they seemed to remind his throat of it's purpose, and he could feel words coming easier. "What the #$^# did I ever do to them..."

"It's not what you do, it's who you are." The quiet amusement in his voice did not warrant Cid's approval, and he moved his eyes away, turning them to his feet, safe in his boots. His lungs were clearing, that was good. The aching was now insistent and could not be remedied, but at least his breathing was easier. His eyes still hurt terribly, and when he licked his lips he felt sharp stinging and something coming off on his tongue. Again the metal taste in his mouth. His lip must have been cut. Probably several times. #@$^. "My friend, it's not going to be easy for you."

"No #^#^in' kiddin'." Cid felt dizzy again as he felt hands on his shoulders. They gently pushed him towards the wall, letting him lean against it. The cold stone against the shirt on his back made his body again begin to shiver, and he wasn't sure he appreciated being moved in such a way, even if it was just out of concern. If it was out of concern."#$^# 'em, #$^@ 'em all to #$^#in' #$^#, #$^#..."

"You do have such a dirty mouth." He almost seemed to sigh, but Cid wasn't sure why. He was never good at reading subtle things into conversations, and the sigh could have been for any number of reasons. Things blurred again, but he blinked hard and the came back into focus. He could feel something sliding past his forehead, a trickle of blood no doubt. "And that, my friend, may be part of why you get into such trouble."

"Don' need y'r #^#$in' advice..." Cid grumbled angrily, rubbing at the trickle with his hand furiously, not wanting to be showing any more pain then he was already in. God, he was being weak here. He had to be #$^#in' saved like a #$^#in' baby, god. Why was he even here?

The image of his sky taunted him, that beautiful sky that he knew was waiting for him. Was made FOR him. He was going to get there. He had to get there...and that's why he was here.

When he got up there, then none of this would matter. He knew it.

"And that's the thanks I get for saving you?" He sounded affronted. Cid felt rage building in him.

"#$^# you, could've saved m'self, don' need you t'#$^#in' take care of me."

"Of course you don't. When were you planning on fighting back in that previous battle, my friend?"

"#$@$ you." Cid felt sick and dizzy and he was in quite a lot of pain. He held onto his sides with his hands, wishing he could squeeze his pain away, find a certain part of his body he could focus on so he wouldn't have to think about the pain. As long as he didn't think about it...but he was thinking about it now. Blond strands of his hair fell in his vision as he shivered again. He really needed to find some way to keep his hair out of his eyes. "Y'#$@$er."

He could feel those thin cold hands brushing over his shoulders again, and he shivered, unable to stop the reaction. Why were his hands so #$^#in' cold?

"You're not very grateful, are you? How many times have I saved you?"

"#$^# you." Cid muttered underneath his breath, trying to sound angry but only coming out muffled. The contact on his shoulders wasn't just momentary, he could still feel those slender fingers on his shoulders, fingers like small icicles. His eyes had been closed while he had been thinking of his sky, and when he opened his pained eyes, he could see his friend in front of him, hands on his shoulders, sitting on his legs. "Get th'#$^# off me."

Thinking it had been an accident, he shivered again, this time with more force, as he felt one of those icicles travel across his collarbone, rubbing against the raised area with a softness that filled him with fear. Confused and angry, he opened his eyes more properly, trying to ignore the pain, and glared at him. 

"I said get th'#^$# off me, y'#$^#. Don't #$^#in' play around."

He simply gave a serene smile back at him. Perhaps he could hear the fear underlying the angry tone in his voice.

"You do have quite the dirty mouth." Those hands remained on his shoulders, burning through the fabric of his shirt as if it wasn't there. He wanted to push them away, but his own hands were weak and shivery, and in this kind of state, he doubted that he could truly do much damage in terms. Why the #$^# was he playing these kind of stupid games? Why isn't he getting off? What the #@#%...?

"Look, you saved m'@#@, 'kay? There, said it. Now get off me."

"That's what friends are for, aren't they?" The lack of emotion, or at least any reaction to Cid's negative response was beginning to creep him out. The hand moved back and forward for a moment, a brief twitch in either direction, the cold burning.

Cid galvanized himself into motion, trying to move himself forward or at least move so that he could show him that he was serious. "I #%@in' mean it-"

The hands on his shoulders suddenly tightened into an icy grip, squeezing his wounded skin and bringing back aches that had just begun to dull. Startled at the suddenness of the motion and the equally sudden influx of pain, Cid's shoulders were pushed into the wall with frightening force without much resistance. The back of his head collided with the stone sharply, and his vision blacked for a moment. His head lolled forward as he made an agonized sound through his teeth, hissing to try and hide the noise as a sharp pain seemed to hit his very mind, blocking out almost all his thoughts. He continued the natural movement of his head back upwards, wanting to support it to try and lessen the pain.

He only made it halfway up when something met his face, stopping him abruptly. His vision was coming back slowly, but he didn't need his vision to know what was happening. His head was again pressed against the wall, this time at a slight angle to his right, and his mouth was not his own anymore.

Unable to even formulate a correct response for what had just happened in his muddled state, he simply tried to struggle in some way, but his body had given out. The last injury to his head had seemingly weakened his arms and such to such an extent they barely moved at his command. The hands on his shoulders, those icicles now digging into his skin, felt like iron, and he wasn't sure that even if he could move properly, he could push him away.

There was pressure, painful pressure, as his head was continually pushed back into the wall, pushed back until he could almost feel his skull scraping against the brick, feel his head trapped. He wasn't just being kissed, he was being pushed back into the wall, pushed so that he couldn't muster the leverage nor ability to move his head away. Panic was surging through his system, but most of his adrenaline had already been spent on the fight beforehand, and his body twitched feebly for his efforts. He tried to open his swollen eyes, and even they were fighting against him. He could see glimpses of him, looming above him, and he felt a breeze go by his neck, reminding him painfully that his neck was exposed at this angle. He made a protesting noise as best as he could, but it was choked and inaudible, and had no affect, much as he had thought it wouldn't.

If he had wanted to be somewhere else before, he wanted to be somewhere else more then ever now. He would rather be back, huddled on the floor, bleeding from the mouth and unable to breath, then in this position. Fear was filling him, but he didn't know what he was supposed to do. He couldn't do anything.

This would have been frightening enough for him without what followed.

It was bad enough to feel something surrounding his lips, trapping his own completely. He was almost positive that this wasn't what it was supposed to be like. He felt something pressing against his lips, something trying to get between them. He tried to clench his teeth and something seemed to nip his neck, something cold and sharp. He involuntarily opened his mouth to gasp, to protest, to do something, and this opportunity was immediately seized. He felt something invading his mouth, something that was strange, strong, and very wrong. Very wrong. He thought maybe he should bite or do something, but before he could he felt another shock as the cold left his neck and replaced itself on his shoulder. He tried again to take a breath, unable to do so through his mouth, and hissed through his nose, which was clogged with dried blood. His breathing felt labored, and he felt like he was choking.

His panic was receding into fear, unable to remain active for so long, and he wasn't sure what he should do. The fear had paralyzed him, left him unable to move at all, as he could feel the foreign tongue prodding, exploring, feeling, violating. His own tongue seemed to shrink back, refusing to touch the other. When it was touched, it shivered almost as badly as it's owner did, and remained still.

And then, he felt the angle change sharply. His head was leaned at another angle, a sharper one to the left, causing the muscles in his neck to be stretching and protesting angrily, helped by another icicle stabbing his skin, and then he could feel something sharp inside his mouth. He could hear blood vessels popping as the teeth sank into the flesh of his inner lip, causing his mouth to again be filled with that metallic, horrible taste.

Noises were useless, struggling was useless, everything was useless. He could barely gather his thoughts to even think, and they were broken words that almost formed sentences. 

_Stop...please...pain...stop...stop...please..._

And the pain was overwhelming, the shock and the pain of what had happened, and the taste continued to grow, until he felt like he could smell it, feel it, hear it...

It was everywhere...

And when he opened his eyes, now shedding helpless tears, a silent plea for this kind of violation to stop since his body would not do so otherwise, all he could see was that horrible emotionless face, that look...those eyes that continued to haunt him to this day...

Those eyes...those burning, empty eyes...

And he felt blood in his mouth.

~~~

"Highwind? Highwind! Highwind!"

Vincent was awakened by whimpering. He gently brushed his hand over Cid's hair, thinking perhaps this would calm him. The whimpering did not stop, only increasing in volume and frequency until Cid began to shake, to shiver, to begin to jerk, and Vincent pulled himself away, pulled himself out of the bed so that he could think of what to do.

What was happening? He had to be having a nightmare, but he had never seen him do this before...this wasn't like him...it must have been everything they talked about before that triggered the spell...if he hadn't been so stupid as to try and sleep with him in the first place, to think this kind of horrific nightmare would not have visited the poor pilot. But now he was in it's grip, and it was terrible.

Cid began thrashing about, his arms clawing and waving near his face, making incoherent noises of fright and small sobs of anger. His mouth didn't close at all as the sounds escaped, and his eyes closed tighter with each wave of his arms. Vincent wasn't sure what to do. 

Should he wait it out?

Before he could even seriously consider such an option he found himself seizing Cid's wrists with his hands and holding them still, stopping the frantic motion. No. _No_. He would not allow this kind of torment to overtake his dearest friend, not while he was around.

Cid bucked underneath him, pulling and twisting his hands in a desperate attempt to free himself. His sobs increased until they were almost shrieks of fright, tears beginning to fall from his eyes.

Vincent had kept his grip, and he pulled upwards sharply, dragging Cid upwards, still convulsing. He let go of his hands and grabbed Cid's shoulders, shaking him back and forth urgently.

"Highwind? Highwind? Listen! Listen! You're dreaming! You're having a nightmare! Wake up, Highwind, wake up! Please, listen to me!" Vincent's voice was frantic and frightened, and finally Cid opened his sky-blue eyes, clouded with tears and fright. When they opened, it was almost as if the floodgates joined them, as tears began to flow without stopping, a constant stream that streaked down his terrified face.

He made an incoherent noise of fright and fear, staring at Vincent with incomprehension and fear for a few moments, apparently still shaking off the remnants of the dream he had been so deeply locked in, then he put his hands over his eyes, pressing his palms into the sockets as he began to shake, heaving sobs that were barely audible as he struggled to keep them under control.

Vincent, greatly shaken, sat down next to the sobbing man, putting an arm around his shoulders and waiting for a few moments. "Highwind, you know me...you're safe, nothing can get you now. You're with me. We're safe. You're safe. It's okay."

Cid let his eyes free for a moment, the area around them regaining the blood that had been pressed out of them as he looked at Vincent with pained, frightened eyes. He reached out, wrapping his arms around Vincent's torso and burying his face in his chest, shivering and crying, still unable to explain what had frightened him into such a near comatose state.

Vincent rubbed his back, not sure of what else to do, finding his own tears escaping him despite his efforts at the pitiful sobs that could only have come from such great pain. At the feeling of his muscles shaking, shivering against him, at the more abrupt jerks as he struggled to keep sobs under control, at the sound of the air trying to escape uselessly from his throat as he tried to keep his tears away, the convulsive, almost painful grip which encircled his chest, nearly crushing his air away, and above all, the growing dampness he felt where he knew Cid's tears were being absorbed by the dark fabric that he was wearing, Vincent felt his own motions beginning to mirror his own, his body shaking fitfully as his emotions ran high within him, unable to find any way to be expressed. When he moved his hands, it was in quick, jerky movements, and his voice was shaky and frightened. To see Cid in such pain, to see this, to feel this, it confused him and moreover, it hurt him. Although he himself had been well-versed in the ability to keep his emotions under control, ever since that fateful day when revealing how he felt had ruined everything for everyone, he couldn't help but feel his own body begin to release air in the sharp gasps that Cid was trying unsuccessfully to block. He could feel his own tears crawling down his face, and caught a glimpse through dewed eyes at the droplet shining, broken, in the strands of Cid's hair beneath him. Shivering and trying hard to be strong, he couldn't help but feel, and know inside, that the two of them were just as frightened, just as scared, and in the end neither of them was able to completely support the other. Their pasts had become too strong for either of them, and it was crushing him. The only thing they could do was cling to one another now, and hope that the pain would go away, since as it had already occured, it was impossible to stop. 

His voice was frightened and shaky and soft as he told a lie that he had tried to force himself to believe throughout his life without success.

"It'll be okay, alright...? Everything's going to be okay..." 


End file.
